It Mental Health Awareness Week 2019

Its May 13th – 19th, and the theme this year is Body Image.

IMG_20190514_014628What do you think and feel about your body? Follow the link on the image for the executive summary on Body Images from the Mental Health Foundation to find out more! Also, I hope they don’t mind I borrowed their official graphic! 

The fact that mothers day was on Sunday past (in the southern hemisphere) is significant for me because as someone who could have been a mother of many years by now actually has a pretty poor body image because of the choices I made.

Rightly or wrongly, termination was my choice and I also chose to destroy my body image intentionally  because of said choice.

I believed, then, becoming fat to the extent of obese would render me unattractive to others (male and female) and sometimes still do. I relied on the judgemental assumptions people make, out and about on the street, at the gym, at work – about individuals based solely on appearance – easy! Let’s be real for a second, unconcious bias admires, adores,even lusts after the body beautiful where as the admonishing questions, looks of pity/disgust/repulsion manifest first where a larger person is concerned. If you look after yourself you are a good person; right?

I believed I should represent the ugly on the outside that festered on the inside. The monster within that can terminate a life, should show its face. I used to play sport, a lot! I even enjoyed crosscountry, that is mental initself, but that changed when I realised what was happening. I turned to alcohol, logic being 2 fold, 1: I get to forget and 2:I get to pile on the weight. This only encouraged other detrimental  behaviours, which im sure I will cover on here at some point, when courage strikes! The point is, it was very much a conscious decision.

The #bebodykind for this week got me thinking about why I haven’t been to the gym in months. I watched an old family friend transform and turn around her fitness life for her 50th birthday, and was encouraged, motivated to do the same for my nexy big milestone too. Her transformation is just wow! But I’m no longer working out, travelling with work is just an excuse. We both know, that as humans we do prioritise what is important to us. And, actually I think we are lying to ourselves if we reason otherwise. So anyway, thinking about the why – I reasoned its because I am back where I was all those years ago, nuturing my excuse to justify my unattractiveness as a human!

I don’t do relationship well. Evident from the many failed friendships of my past and present. I am at my best in small doses and infrequent contact, true story. As any of my long term friends would honestly testify to. Note not fishing for compliments here, just being honest. As a friend I #mth. I feel like im rambling so back to the point….

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I thought depression had been and gone. Not friends, not enemies, just strangers with memories, is how I like to think of our relationship. But the truth is, depression is still very much an acquaintance in my world. Granted our visits are infrequent, we go for years without so much as a hello or even a fleeting thought on my side. But, just like our various social media profiles a throwback pops up and in an instant you are reacquaintanted like no time at all passed since you last saw each other; and all the emotion is very raw and very real!

I want the alcohol, and I don’t want the alcohol. FYI its a metaphor, I don’t actually have alcoholism to deal with too, thankfully! I want to Change, but believe I’m incapable, so might as well embrace it. But wait, I believe I can, but….. Look here we are are again! I am truly bored of typing the cycle as I am living it!!

The main point about me writing this post, and after so long is because I acknowledge that I my own body image is tied to my own mental health. And it it tied to a choice I made long ago. That choice has affected my career, my friendships, my family and worst of all my identity.

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To be continued. In the meantime check out Clara Lieu that’s her art based on her depression. Just blown away!