I recently mentioned I was going through the terrible twos in my What does God sound like? post. I faltered in my faith, and pretty much isolated myself ironically to try and minimise the damage it caused but really only amplified it.

I tend to scribble, a friend calls it poetry, to get the negativity out my system. I call it my ramblings. I ‘rambled’ during a service one Sunday during the start of the service and it is below for you to read.

What is mind blowing about this, is that what I thought it was about and what it actually was about were too very different things.  Sharing it with friends, they gave me their thoughts on it and I saw the hidden truth in it. I was disappointed with God!

I’m sharing it with you because, so often we fight with ourselves. Making mountains out of mole hills.  Believing the lies we tell ourselves over and over again. Going it alone, instead of with Him. The fight is already lost if you are alone! Fact!

I’m on my knees
My knuckles are bloodied and bruised
I see my opponents boots
Dancing in front of me

I strain to hear the bell
I just need some respite
To be safe in my corner;
I barely hear the countdown

I refuse to lose and heave myself upward
I stumble and collapse again
The count down continues
My vision blurs with black and white

Suddenly I’m standing
And, I hear the bell;
The relief is immediate
I stagger to my corner

I sit and gasp for water
Only, all I receive is a punch!

A warm trickle reaches my lips
I taste of iron and recognise it.

I’m dazed and confused, I can’t understand
I’m safe! I’m supposed to be safe
I haven’t heard the bell
I’m still sitting down

I glimpse the referee again
But he seems far far away
I see the next blow in slow motion
I’m knocked off my stool

I claw at the ropes to right myself
As I rise up, I realise I’m being helped
I squint into the face helping me
I look past their shoulder

I see my attacker
I’m shocked , and lose all strength
Attacked by my own inner circle; betrayed
The crushing revelation

The roar in my ear dulls
I realise I’m cacooned in black and white
I rest my head on that collar
Tears mingle with coagulated blood

No wonder I’m losing
Almost blinded by the fight
To the deafening count of defeat
No counter move to make

The bell rings loudly
I register this bout is done
Thankfully the referee called it!
I may have lost the battle
Only to discover the war is won.

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