Shut up and swim!

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Had a chat with a new friend this week who gave me the title for this post! It is a Greek saying. It made me smile, it rings loud and clear at this moment in time.

Just like my initial journey during the Dream Chase; I am at a place where quitting seems like the best option for the team and me. I have a habitude for conflict and discord. I am intolerant of people’s behaviour. I abhor conflict, so would rather remove myself from it. Dealing with it head on is my preference, but I keep thinking that would solve nothing. So here I am ranting on WordPress.

Now these are all my flaws!! They are all about my perception of the evolving situation. Perceptions change,  and it needs time to. I CHOSE to chase the dream and to be here in Greece; yet, again I find my internal conflict reoccurring quit or ‘shut up and swim’.

The last time I was in these shoes, I chose to ‘shut-up’ and it worked out despite the hurdles. Last time, the conflict went away. The relief was immense. I didn’t have to decide. This time there is more at stake. My livelihood for one. My fledgling career I. Yachting, my career development, my sanity and the list goes on.

But the stupid thing is :- I am not a quitter. I am no martyr either. If anything it makes me more determined. Why?  Because I remember that I give people the power to  make me feel inferior (Eleanor Roosevelt said that). And that is just idiotic on my part. Did I mention I am intolerant of them too?

I pray most days for patience and tolerance. So naturally I am faced with the situation to practice these qualities. That rocking sense of humor from above. I am missing home and my fellowship time. I have digital connections to home, it just isn’t the same.

It’s easy to be at home and be a good Christian. It’s not so easy here, alone. 3000 miles is a long, long way. My faith is not in crisis,  but my dream is. The invictus games reminded me “teamwork makes the dream work”.

One of my colleagues described my faith as a weakness. I disagree, and can see how I would indeed have less conflict in my life without it but I remember why I can back to God and I feel peace again, therefore still strongly disagree with them. The problem is not my religious belief it is the values and standards I hold dear and expect in others.

Yes I will have bad days and type out my resignation. Yes I will have great days filled with laughter and enjoyment. In 6 months time, I will wonder at the end of my Greecian Summer why I wanted to go home at all! I know I can’t control the behaviour of others but I can control my own.

I need to learn how to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Vulnerability is a good thing,  however too much makes me moody and unapproachable.  I ostracise myself from the good people and things in my life.

I chose to be a member of this team, I chose to be more tolerant and patient. I chose to try daily to try to be what a Christian should be. I chose to live by the standards and values I learned to live by but importantly to be less judgemental! And I make no apologies for the person I am but I do apologise for shutting down, and for being a ‘mare’ when I can’t be all the things I chose to be.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5&6