Today it certainly feels like prospects are diminished but I need to focus on the positives. There is a chill in the air – just like the one that comes in the twilight… before the dark.
It’s just under a week until my dream job starts and I am uncertain as to whether or not Im actually going to start. Waiting is the worst! I cannot ignore the possibility that I may not start because i just had surgery. I cannot stop thinking about the dream I have been chasing, about it slipping away. I’m trying to focus on the positive that I had surgery, it was successful and caught in time to prevent it the complete evaporation of the dream. But I’m down, emotionally and physically in the twilight, where the light seems to be fading and it is infuriating. Im on the tipping point of Rage!
Neo discovered it was a glitch in The Matrix (in my top ten of films), changes and not the good kind! A long time ago my heart was completely focused on a desire to serve Queen and country. It was within reach, I cleared every hurdle and had a start date at Cranwell. Then events out with my control delayed it. Dejected I went to plan B, the deferral, I made the conscious choice to use that time waiting productively and joined the reserves. Whilst on basic training, I got injured and there ended my full time military career on medical grounds. Call it stubbornness or determination; I grabbed hold of the reserve career as part-time was better than nothing.
I went through numerous operations and repeatedly injured myself after months of remedial fitness training to avoid medical discharge. The damage of this madness has had repercussions, but they are not integral to this rambling. I moved into oil and gas and wanted a career in QA and got it for 9 months before the redundancy took it away. The point is, this week I developed a lump in my leg that required surgery and now my career [granted to me] is in danger of slipping through my fingers again!
Last Sunday I was basking in the light. Squinting in brilliance of all its splendour. Warmed by the joy and happiness radiating from within. A friend who had recently been baptised, told me to be vigilant, by becoming a beacon for God I instantaneously put myself as a target on the enemy radar. The exact words were “the enemy will try and rob you of your daughter inheritance”.You can see why I am so angry right? Why would God put these things within my reach and take them away? Why would He plant those desires and have me invest every fibre of my being into making them a reality and then prevent me from achieving them? Why do I have to settle for second best? This divine comedy just twisted into sick -right?
All these questions with no answers in sight. Just the incoming chill of darkness. Reading the word only made my heart heavier…Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is: there you heart will be also. This scripture for me is about sailing. The scripture speaks of our hearts desires and those desires speak to us about Him – applicable to each unique soul on earth. Psalms 20:4, 37:4, key is Philippians 2:13 – The desires of your heart and the treasure we seek was put there by Him to fulfil his purpose – be his beacon in the dark to others. And then I remembered what my friend said about the enemy.
When you choose to become a light [Matt 5:14] you willingly open yourself to spiritual warfare. I think this is why we constantly face trials and tribulations. Fear and anger turn us away from our chosen path, which is exactly what Satan wants. He wins if we revoke our declaration of faith, of trust. Now I do know that right now as I type the anger is dissipating. I know that the questions are merely a tool to discourage me. I know that ‘the glitch in the matrix’ comes because of the eternal war between the good and the bad. Jesus was sent to save us, he was persecuted and suffered his own trials and tribulations, that doesn’t mean to me that as a christian that we have to suffer they way he did but it is evident the enemy has power and that He uses it.
I found sailing through my alternative military career, the surgery may have prevented repeated necessary treatment and surgery saving me from painful and extended recovery time, because it was found so early. I know I found great friends who helped me go after the dream job in my QA career. I know that sailing is in my destiny – of course I hope and I pray [please pray too] it is centred on the course I am on, but if it isn’t then the disappointment will pass but I wont be deterred. In His will there will be a way. John 13:7 !
I know that I have friends and family praying for a speedy recovery because they love me and have faith. I am drawing strength from their faith, to uphold the commitment I made 6 days ago. I thank them for the encouragement and reminders.
1 Peter 5:9 Resist him, standing firm in faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of suffering.